Christmas Eve will find me, Where the lovelight gleams, I'll be home for Christmas, If only in my dreams

 

As Christmas time nears and we contemplate what to do for our first Christmas with Violet, I've been thinking more and more about where I consider "home". Yes, it's where the heart is; yes, it's also where I hang my hat. But one of the questions often asked of where I'll be while Scott is in Thule is, "Oh, Colorado, is that home?" and the much longer response is far too involved to give to the casual conversationalist.

To me, home has to be 129 Wyckoff Ave, though it no longer exists. I lived 6 years in Japan, another 6 years in Fort Lee, but Wyckoff was where we spent the most time growing up and making the friends I still hold dear today. We survived Hurricane Floyd, the Blizzards of '96 and spent a total of 15 years celebrating all kinds of milestones together. Since my parents sold the place in 2005, I've known that I'll never be able to go "home" again. Especially now since the new owner tore the whole damn place down to make another monstrosity of a house that will hopefully be someone's new place to make memories.

I'm sad that I'll never be able to bring Violet to my old home to show her where I threw the stapler to make the dent in the laundry room door, or the fireplace my siblings and I huddled around to have our Dad teach us how to play poker with Lite Brite pieces on a snowy Sunday, or the cozy kitchen our family spent good quality time together. I know I'm waxing nostalgic, but I think that's what usually happens around the holidays.

And now as a grown-up with my own family, I've been preoccupied with ideas of how to make a home for Lady Violet. Within her first 5 years of life, she will already have 2 different houses in Mountain Home, a place in Pagosa Springs and at least one other home in Japan under her belt. And being that Scott has another 9 years before he can retire from the Air Force, more moves will most definitely be in our future. Violet won't really have a building she can point to and call "home", but I will do everything I possibly can to give her a home-feeling wherever she goes.

Because of all of the moving I've done in my life thus far, I remember thinking I just wanted to find a home and live in it for as long as I had children to raise. But I now realize that not only is that not really a feasible childhood dream to accomplish, I should and will continue to count my EVERY blessing that I have a family that can make me feel at home wherever we go or however many times I have to pack boxes.

We're leaving together, But still it's farewell.. It's the final countdown

We have made it to December. We should be just concentrating on Christmas and decorations, but I'm finding it hard to psych myself up for Violet's first Christmas being that we have to break it all down within a matter of weeks to pack up for Thule/Pagosa Springs.

Since hearing the news of Scott's orders, I keep reminding myself that when he and I discussed the possibilities of what could happen in our first years of marriage, this was definitely a possible reality. And I also keep reminding myself that a year is not that long, especially when factoring in Scott's leave time, the visits to my parents' and the support I'll be getting from my sister and her network of mothers. And yet, the freaking out is starting to set in.

It's partially because we are now in the month before all of the crazy transitioning is going to happen. It's also partially because Scott and I got to see the house I'll be living in Pagosa Springs. And another part is due to the great progress we made over the weekend in clearing the garage from all of the random boxes from my move from TN, Scott's move from ND and our move from the first apartment he and I shared across town. We have whittled things down to very manageable groupings of "stuff" and I feel better prepared for the packing that will happen after the Christmas holidays (and after the short trip to KY to visit with Scott's family.)

But something else set me off this past weekend. The reality of a year apart. The realizations that things will be slightly (if not significantly) harder than I'm believing (pretending?) it to be. A day sidelined by hurt feelings, stewing about it and the eventual discussion and a so-so resolution. I'm still trying to get over it, but my own self-image problems (I'm still about 20-30 lbs away from where I'd like to be), in addition to me being mad at myself for being so ticked off by the origin of the hurt feelings. All in all, I'm starting to question my confidence.

I know I'm just allowing myself the freak out in the hopes that if I mostly get it out of my system now, I won't be crippled by it when things need to get done. People have asked if I'll be ok and I'd say, "sure, no problem" and a really good friend called me separately and gently asked again "are you sure", knowing that sometimes a PR line is not the whole truth. I said, "yes", and I still think I was telling the truth at the time. It's still mostly the truth now.


The the other part is that I'm starting to definitely freak the f-- out and letting the slightly small things get me down.

Hello! Is it me you're looking for?

I'm back after a long, news-packed hiatus. I've been leaking updates here and there on Facebook and Twitter since those mediums allow for the hurried, half-thoughts, but because Violet is FINALLY taking a decent morning nap, I feel the urge to blog away my thoughts of the last couple of months. There are certain subjects I'll expand on in another entries, but here are the basics.

I posted two months ago that Scott will be in Greenland without family for a year, starting Jan/February-ish of next year. There are lots of cons and only a few significant pros to this, but overall, we are happy with the timing and location. It's better for him to volunteer to go now to this location, rather than being told at a later time to go to some place like South Korea. I'll be ok with the separation for the most part, and I am thankful that Violet is too young to realize all that's going on. If she were older and all of a sudden Scott wasn't around, I would constantly feel my heart breaking anytime she asked where Daddy went. So, instead, she'll be having fun with her cousins and her Aunt Heather and Uncle Jason, as well as visits to her overjoyed Grandparents.

Which leads me to the next bit of news. After considering a lot of different aspects, mostly financial, of the two possible areas of where to live in Colorado, I think I have finally decided on going to live in my sister's town of Pagosa Springs, CO. It's partially because of the cost of living would be cheaper down there as compared to the suburbs of Denver, but mostly it is so Violet can have a lot of children close to her age to run around with, including her very excited cousins. My sister has already checked out a possible house for me to rent and going by her description, it sounds wonderful. I'm looking forward to this location because this would be the first time Heather and I have lived anywhere near each other since she moved away for college back in 1998.

And after the year(ish) in Colorado, Violet and I will be packing up to go to Yokota AFB in Japan for Scott's next assignment. This was our top choice and we were pleasantly surprised we got it, considering that Scott didn't turn in his list of preferred orders until a couple weeks past the deadline (it was a misunderstanding of when we were supposed to do it. Who would have thought that some details of the military are confusing? haha.)

So far, the only things I know about Yokota is that it's about three hours away from where I lived outside of Tokyo, I've visited the base as a young child because my parents were friends with the base chaplain at the time and we already know one of the captains for the air traffic control. I will be spending a chunk of my time in Colorado trying to regain my Japanese with the help of my Dad (and a computer program or two.) There are so many details of how to move our stuff, what we can take, about our cars which we cannot take with us, and so many other things, that I decided having a separate notebook to jot down questions and answers would be necessary. Yes, an old school spiral notebook with pages and pens! I remember more when I write things down, rather than just reading it on a screen. Call me old fashioned ;p

With Greenland and Japan on our horizon, Scott and I are still trying to figure out if we can have a wedding celebration like we wanted. It'll be tricky to try to plan this. It may happen sooner than I think or not at all, and there are a couple of families I'd like to give as much heads up time as possible to ensure their presence. But at this point, I just don't know. This does bum/stress me out because I wanted to have as 'normal' of a celebration with friends and family, as belated as it is, but it may not be in the cards for us. I know there are more important things to concentrate on, but it's still something I wish and will try my darndest to make happen, within reason.

Violet is growing like a weed and is starting to show lots of personality. I've been trying to be diligent in updating her own FB page with pictures of her cuteness, but I've been neglectful of posting written updates of what's she's been doing. She's doing her army-crawl at a pretty fast clip now, but has yet to master the hands-and-knees crawl. She's got two bottom teeth, front and center, and I thought it was because of those (and possibly others trying to break the gumline) that was making her thoroughly impossible to deal with several days this past week. Now I think it was because she had a scratchy throat and was fussing big-time during her bottles because she was having difficulty swallowing. Why do I think this? Because couple days since she started fussing like mad, I woke up with a scratchy throat, and this was the morning after she was finally in better spirits to try to give me kisses. However, her version of 'kisses' is to just lick my mouth and nose. (She's still learning.) So, I think I got her scratchy throat germs from that and after a couple days, we are both doing better and are a lot less cranky for Scott. More specifics on Violet in future posts.

Well, I think that's a lengthy, but good first step back from the non-communication. I'm hoping to have more time for more detailed updates soon. It all depends on Lady Violet! ;p

Happy Clocks-Fall-Back weekend, everyone!

You gave my love direction, A game show love conneciton, We can't deny

It was only this morning when I got Scott's phone call confirming the orders he got via email and my mind is still whirling. His next base is Greenland. Because we knew this was more than just a small likelihood, he and I have already been discussing what will happen to Violet and me if he were to go to a base where we wouldn't be able to join him.

I know that I plan to move closer to my family in Colorado. Whether it be near Littleton, which is about 40 minutes outside of Denver or to Pagosa Springs, my sister's town in the southwestern Colorado, I don't know. There are advantages to either location and I have to really start nailing down logistics of budget, benefits to active duty spouses/family and what I need to get through my year apart from Scott.

When people have asked me how I would feel about Scott being away from me for any amount of time for his remote, I would answer with, "Well, we spent most of our relationship apart so far, so I guess it won't be too much different." I still mean that, but I feel as though I should clarify.

It's true that we held a long distance relationship in the past, plus the eight months it took from the time I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him to when I finally got to move to Idaho, these past experiences would only help us with the upcoming time apart. I will feel badly about the things Scott will miss out on in Violet's "firsts" but technology is our friend and will help with talking, Skyping, video recording, or just minute-to-minute updates on Facebook. In all honesty, I do feel like my life just got REALLY good and now I have to adjust to a new dynamic, but I'd much rather this happen now than later.

My optimism is convincing me that a year apart is a cake walk when compared to the years we've already spent in each others' lives but not quite together.

But I would not feel so all alone, Everybody must get stoned

For three weeks now, I've been slowly, but steadfastly, irked when people keep linking the word "tragedy" to Amy Winehouse's death. I do believe that this was a tragedy to those in her immediate circle for losing someone so desperate for help. But, for anyone else, fans or the voyeuristic lookie-lous, I'll grant you it's sad that she was never able to pull herself together, but not 'tragic'. She took the God-given talent she was blessed with and did worse than squander it. She traded it away for the chance to disappear into nothingness.

I was recently berated on Facebook by a young man who vehemently argued that her death was tragic and that addiction is a disease and not a choice. To which I can express my opinion that to a point, drug or alcohol abuse is a choice. Until these substances physically alter your body and brain chemistry, it is still your choice to smoke a blunt or drink into oblivion or smoke crack cocaine. People who have become severally addicted will be an addict for the rest of their lives because they have caused something in their psychology, and eventually their body, to depend on it.

However, there are such people as recovering addicts. People who not only realize the problem, but search treatment and continually readjust their mindset to reach for help and not the crack pipe. This is not an issue where you can just flit it off by saying , "this is me, accept me for who I am." Winehouse's first real big hit was about not only rejecting help, but celebrated in refusing it. Yes, this could have been a work of creative fiction at the time, but given her actions, they spoke louder and clearer than her sultry voice and would eventually make it the punchline for her life. Her autopsy was inconclusive, so it is pure speculation as to what the actual cause of death was, but you cannot put your body through such torture and expect it to live while only a few days, perhaps a few weeks, sober.

My true point isn't even really about her life and death. It's people's insistence to call it 'tragic'. Yes, she died young and it's too bad she didn't let her talent take the headlines. But, I consider other things tragic. Like a Louisiana man confessing to decapitating his disabled 7 year old son with Cerebral Palsy. Or a three year old little girl's death and the evidence found couldn't convict a selfish mother who didn't report her missing for nearly a month. Or a countries so wracked poverty but the severe violence around them prevents any aid from reaching them. These are things I find the cause for great suffering.

So if you've a date in Constantinople, She'll be waiting in Istanbul

A couple of days ago, Scott was able to see the list of possible bases to which he could get orders. The lists consisted of the places we already knew there was need: two bases in South Korea, one in Greenland, and one in Honduras. The two other countries I didn't know about are Turkey and Japan.

The last two bases were a surprise to me, mostly because on the slim chance he gets orders to go to either of these countries, Violet and I could go with him. The two in Japan are Kadena (in Okinawa) and Yokota (about 2.5 hours west of Tokyo) and the one in Turkey is a healthy distance east of Istanbul. If we need to go to Turkey, I'd better  buy a Turkish phrase book.

However, if the base is in Japan, this will give me the strongest motivation to purchase the Rosetta Stone language program to relearn my Japanese. I've been saying for years I'll be buying it, but procrastination always got the best of me. Now, I have a no-excuse reason to follow through.

The other detail to all of this base-talk that was a surprise to me is that we will find out in several weeks where Scott is going to go. Weeks. Here I thought I was at least a couple months. He won't know when he'll be leaving for a little while, but he'll know where soon. That sneaked up on me.

As a matter of taste to be exact, He's my ideal as a matter of fact

This is an older picture of Scott, but I couldn't find a newer one with him in his blues.

After 4 months of waiting, the promotion list was finally posted today and Scott has made Technical Sergeant. Considering the fact that he was studying for the exam during the last full month of my pregnancy and went to take said exam about 3 days before my projected due date, the fact that he scored high enough to pass is a immense relief to me (and I'm sure for him, too, but I haven't spoken to him yet =) .)

What does this promotion mean? Well, for the immediate future, it means he can go to tomorrow night's Pass-over Party (a party to celebrate/commiserate with those who have/have not been promoted) and celebrate with the other guys who have also been promoted.

Beyond the immediate plans, this promotion also means that things can get a little interesting for our little household. Because there are not enough people of Scott's rank of TSgt (I've got to get used to the abbreviations and acronyms) with his skill sets, there is a high need for him at other bases. Other overseas bases. Bases that will have us separated for about a year, with only a few visitations sprinkled through his stay.

We've already had several discussions about this and I'm fully aware of the sacrifices as well as the benefits of Scott's strong possibility of being stationed far from Violet and me. I am actually encouraged by the thought that this can happen within a year because this would make things easier on Violet. Rather than her being older and can understand that her Daddy is far, far away, she can remain blissfully unaware of his absence.

Another result of this promotion has a good news/bad news twist to things. When Scott and I got married last July, we had only immediate family and a few close friends (most of whom were already in the Denver area) join us for the ceremony my father and brother-in-law conducted. We've always wanted to have a bigger celebration with more of our friends and extended family. It was tentatively planned for spring of 2012 and we've even gone as far as to looking at a handful of venues around the Denver area when we went to visit my family a couple weeks ago. We already had it in mind that if Scott did make TSgt, these plans will have to be deferred until... I'm not sure when. That's the bad news. The good news is purely based on my vanity. Because of all of the weight I gained while pregnant, I've been self conscience about my (larger) appearance and would rather not be this big for my 'wedding' day. Delaying the celebration gives me more time to lose the weight.

I'm sure there are other implications of his recent title change and more will be discussed when he comes home from work tonight. As of right now, I'm filled with joy and pride for him and for our family. Any other detail will fall into place, as it always does.

I've breathed the mountain air, man, Of travel I've had my share, man, I've been everywhere

I move around. A lot. Some moves were by choice, some moves were decisions that were forced upon me. Since graduating college I've lived in 7 different locations, and the last 18 months accounts for 3 of those locations. I've already been preparing myself for a possible move next year, but I wasn't expecting anything this year. Until I got a phone call on June 7 from the property manager at Century 21.

She started the conversation with reminding me that our 12 month lease is up at the end of the month. I agreed and I thought it was just a courtesy call to ask us in to sign for another 12 months. Instead, she informs me that the owners of the house is going to put the house on the market, and would I be interested in purchasing the house? Now, there are those who are active duty in the Air Force who do purchase houses, but for me and Scott, it just doesn't make sense. So, I decline the offer saying that for us, it would not be a wise decision.

The lady on the other end of the phone starts talking very quickly and tells me that we have a month before the house goes on the market and we need to move out as soon as we can. Because I do not like to conduct business over the phone where there is no record of what is being said, I asked her to send me an email or letter.

Since then, Scott and I have been determined to be out of this house before we have to worry about strangers looking around our things. I've gone through this process before when my landlord in the last place I lived in Elmwood Park put the house on the market and it's very different when it's not really YOUR house people are coming to look at, and yet you still have to take responsibility for the living space.

We would prefer not to use Century 21 again. Even though we have only been renting through them for a year, I've had my fill with how they run their business. When I first went through the inspection of this house before we moved in, there was a mouse trap in one of the cupboards and they told me that 'there was no mouse problem on record.' Within two weeks, that trap had caught a little mouse and I called them again to tell them that there seemed to be a mouse issue. They gave me a spiel about how the nearest exterminator was in Boise and they wouldn't pay for it. I explained to them that my husband and I were going to start a family (I didn't tell them I was already pregnant, because no one outside of family and a few friends knew) and I did not want to worry about diseases carried in the mouse poop. It took them another month, a failed attempt by the handyman they hire to come to the house on the day he asked for and didn't show up (without calling me to let me know), and 7 more mice later for them to finally send someone out to come up with the highly technical solution to the problem: find the hole in the side of the house where the mice were coming in through the crawl space and plug up the hole. It was barely a $10 solution they could have done the day after my first phone call.

I've had other problems with them, like that same handyman showing up at my house without any heads up and when he finally does call me gets annoyed that I had the gall to be on vacation while Scott was training at a different base.

And yet...

We were scrambling to find another place to rent, so I made arrangements to see 4 other locations through them. A realtor, we'll call her Stephanie, told me of a 5th listing that she was going to see about talking down the price. This past Saturday morning, a different lady, we'll call her Deb, showed us around to some ok places and one that would have been better if they had bothered to clean the carpet of the pet waste stains and the broken hot tub that they didn't make use of the cover to hide the disgusting leftover water and odds and ends inside. After the 4th place, I had mentioned about the 5th location that the Steph spoke of, but Deb wasn't made aware and had already taken a phone call part way through walking us through the locations  and was rushing us so that she could meet her next appointment. She took my phone number and promised to call me before 4 to take us to the very last place. I have yet to hear from here and it's already Tuesday.

Knowing that I really wanted to part ways with Century 21, I had made an appointment with a different company for late Saturday afternoon to look at the one location he had left for rentals. It turns out that he is highly recommended by people Scott works with and we were assured that he is a stand-up guy worth checking out. We met up with him and we saw a perfectly adequate house for a good price. And he was prepared and brought a list of other houses that were just a little over the price range we had discussed, but Scott and I wanted to check out just one last listing.

And this last house is the one we really want. The realtor is working on negotiating a lower price for rent and we will hopefully know by the end of the week if we are going to move into this house. It's bigger than our current place and has 2 floors, a beautiful open kitchen and a nice-sized baby room for Violet. I don't want to get too excited, but both Scott and I really want this place for however much longer we live here in Mountain Home.

Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks

In honor of the brand-spanking new baseball season, I am going through my 'Baseball' picture folder on my flashdrive. I have photos from every MLB stadium I've visited, and as it stand now, I've been to 16, four of which have been decommissioned (Shea, Yankee, Veterans, and Busch.) I also have tickets stubs to about 80% of the games I've gone to all stored away in memory boxes that will eventually turn into a scrapbook. I have a horrible memory when it comes to who played and who won, but I do know where I've been and what I've eaten.

Next Friday will mark my 11th home opener for the Mets, and I'm somewhat surprised I get to go. Even though when I first moved to Tennessee in 2008 I made a promise to my partner in crime that I would still make it to any future home openers no matter how far away I moved (he lives in Los Angeles), I really thought that just having a baby and Scott's work being super crazy in the month of April would make me break this promise. But luckily, I have in-laws who are itching to see their new granddaughter, so we have new sets of hands to help while I steal away to Queens.

I won't be able to watch the Mets' first game today, but I will have the Phillies/Astros and Red Sox/Rangers game on in the background as I do things around the house.

Winter is done, spring is here (well, mostly.)

Let's go baseball!

2002 Home Opener

Gary Carter and Doug

Friends in Camden Yards

Veterans Park

Jacobs Field

White Sox

Milwaukee Brewers

Turner Field

Me at Shea - NLCS 2006

Fenway

Outside of Fenway

Shea Stadium 2007

Shea winding down - 2008

First game of CitiFields

'86 World Series trophy

Yankee Stadium - 2008

When I see you smile, I can face the world, I can do anything

Violet is now just over 6 weeks old and I have come close to figuring out how to go about my day to day. Most days are really great. Then there are some that prove to be really hard, like when she screams so loud, it reminds me of Harry Potter's screeching mandrakes. I'm trying to do little things here and there that would make me feel more human and not just a frazzled first time Mom. But, again, it's super difficult and I get frustrated. Thankfully, she has yet to give me two really bad days consecutively.

The great thing is, Violet is starting to smile at us. She's smiling more and more in the last couple of days, and I swear, it's a magic spell. I can only imagine how much more my day will brighten when she starts to laugh. But for now, I'll enjoy looking down and seeing this:

Dimples are a gift from Dad.

2nd birth announcement

She's Here Birth Announcement

Birth announcements, Valentine's cards, & invitations by Shutterfly.

View the entire collection of cards.

 Since Snapfish has been taking forever with sending me the orders, I'm giving Shutterfly a chance. Let's see if it's worth it..

EDITOR"S NOTE: Cool - I just earned a $10 off coupon for posting this on my blog. And the postcards came in today. I think I do prefer Shutterfly over Snapfish. Next project: Easter cards.

Life used to be so hard, Now everything is easy 'cause of you

My parents always had music playing in our house. It would be a potluck of music from their generation, their parents' generation, the current soft rock and Christian contemporary. There are a few songs that really stick out in my memory and "Our House" by Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young is one of them. When I finally got to the age when the words I was mindlessly singing started to grab real significance, I remember thinking that this song is what represented being an adult with a home and a family and not just a place to live.

Well, I finally have my home, an awesome husband and a cutie daughter, so I decided to buy a bunch of frames and decorate the walls and bookcases. As we were figuring out the best placement and arrangement of the photos, I started to see how some of my favorite photos/artwork represented some of the people and memories that mean a great deal. Here are some examples.

 

This is at the edge of the kitchen and dining area. The bagel sign on the top is of Finagle a Bagel, a chain bagel shop I tried to eat at every time I visited my friends in Boston during their college years. Boston still stands as one of my all-time favorite cities because of all the great times I had up there.

The frame in the middle with the colored glasses and champagne flutes was taken at a bachelorette I threw for a friend. Actually, that was from the first try. There was a do-over for the party, which is a much longer story.

The framed quote to the right was decoration taken from Derek and Ashley's weddingish, May 17, 2009. It reads, "The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships. ~Anthony Robbins." That weekend is still one of my top 5 best weekends ever, and it was also very significant to my relationship to Scott.

The house is where I grew up in Wyckoff. It was a lovely home and sadly, it no longer exists. The man who bought it from my parents in 2005 decided to knock it down and build a monstrosity. Very sad.

The Chinese garden was a photo I took from an outing to Duke Gardens with Cyrus Chi. The Man-Chi and I had a great time wandering around the huge indoor botanical gardens and I was able to take a bunch of great pictures. For anyone who lives in NJ, check it out - you will not be disappointed! Duke Gardens

The picture of the waterfall is from a family trip to our relatives in Montana. I have no idea where this particular waterfall is located because I took this photo either in middle school or early high school.

The collage of pictures are of my friends from NJ. The group photo of the girls are of my close gal pals from high school; the group photo above it was from our prom weekend (with the Funqwat buried underneath us); and there are a couple other pictures of a different prom, my favorite of which is the one with all the guys hanging off a swing set.

The large frame hanging on the wall is something that Scott received when leaving the base in Minot, North Dakota. A bunch of people saying how awesome he is, which is all true.

The frame on the left sitting on the bookcase was taken from my exploring Jonesborough, Tennessee. Every year they have a festival dedicated to storytelling and it's a big, big deal. The town is so tiny and quaint, I couldn't help but feel like I've been transported to a different time. The hats are bolted to the side of store and people can stand underneath them for a photo. I just thought it was super cute. Oldest town in TN

The two smaller frames next in line are both mementos from my brother-in-law's wedding. This was one of the first few 'dates' I got to have with Scott back in 2005 and I'm happy to have kept the escort card.

The frame to the right is a collage put together by Derek and Ashley given to us as a wedding gift. There are several pictures of Scott and me from their wedding and a couple from when our group of friends would just hang out at the Sonderfans' home in North Haledon or at the pool hall in Pompton Lakes. The quote on the top is, "The art of love... is largely the art of persistence. ~Albert"

The frame on the top shelf is a group photo at the Cheesequake rest stop. I forget who started the tradition, but anytime our group of friends went down to the Jersey shore, there had to be a photo taken at this rest stop. I believe this one was from summer of 1997.

The black and white photo is from our wedding ceremony at The Garden of the Gods in Colorado. There were a ton of pictures taken by our family and friends, but this is my favorite of the few friends who got to come to our very small ceremony.

The frame on the right is of my family at Hershey Park, Pennsylvania. I can't remember how long ago this was taken, but it was before my sister had her two little daughters and when I still lived with my parents.

There are more pictures and artwork I tacked up on the wall, but I just wanted to share a handful of the love mementos with which I surrounded our home. Pretty soon, there will be many photos of Violet as she gets to meet the rest of my relatives and friends. I look forward to all of it.

Mr Sandman bring me a dream

Scott and I are still trying to learn Violet's likes and dislikes, and more importantly, what will help lull her to sleep. For the past couple of weeks, we've been having difficulty finding the various combinations of actions needed to convince her nighttime is for sleeping. We are fully aware some children are night owls (I'm looking at you, dear brother), but we are still optimistically hopeful.

We were given a swing by a coworker of Scott's who has two kids of his own and the younger one just recently outgrew the swing. When I ran out of ideas of how to soothe Violet after one of her feedings, I decided to have her try it out. The results were inconclusive--

In my prison cell I bide my time, Always thinking, Always busy cooking up an angle

Violet will only allow herself to be swaddled on very rare occasions now a days. It's as seldom as when she allows me to set her down either in her crib or pack n' play for her first morning nap so that I can have breakfast.

If by chance she lets me swaddle her, there is a time limit. After a short while, she channels Houdini and this is what I find while I listen to her grunt and strain against her straightjacket:

Esc-a-pay

Man and a woman have a little baby, Yes they did, Now there's three in the family, It's the magic number

Today marks three weeks since Violet came out and joined us. And I am happy to report, that all of us are still alive - to varying degrees. The paternity leave Scott got to take right after she was born was incredibly good for the both of us and Violet was kind enough to ease us into taking care of her. The first week and a half, she mostly slept whenever her bothersome parents weren't waking her to change her or to remind her to eat. We had a bit of a weight gain/jaundice issue and she is still having troubles with breastfeeding, but for the most part we've got her back to the healthy side with a combination of breastfeeding, pumping and formula.

She really started to kick up the fuss-level last week and since then she's been giving us a run for our  money. But then she would turn on the cuteness charm and we almost HAVE to forgive her. I really can't quite tell what her personality will be like yet. The things that I've been able to tell so far is that she likes staring at our bookcases and I discovered yesterday that she likes classic country music - Kris Kristofferson, Waylon Jennings (and other Highwaymen), Tanya Tucker, Crystal Gale - and she doesn't mind me singing along to classic rock.

I am still waiting for the opportunity to snap a picture of her dimples. Since it's too early for her to be a social smiler, it's hard to predict when she'll flash her cute-chubby-cheeked smile. But it'll happen and it will be well documented.

Itsy bitsy spider climbed up the water spout

Since about Friday, we've been noticing some eye gunk that kept appearing in Violet's right eye that no matter how many wipes with a hot water washcloth we've been gently wiping it away with, it would return. I was already slightly concerned, but I finally decided to look up what it possibly could be on the internet - which I hate to do with anything medical with all of the unmonitored, crazy hypochondriacs out there posting worst case scenarios all the time. After cross referencing several sites I trust, I turned to Scott and suggested we make a visit to the base hospital. Because today is President's Day, we had to go to the Urgent Care, being that was the only part of the hospital really open. After a quick phone call to the UC, we started to get ourselves ready to see if little Violet had an eye infection.

I took the first shower and while I was finishing up, I quickly opened up my towel ... and a dime-sized spider popped out and I saw it shoot toward the corner of the bathroom. Thoroughly freaked out, I examined the rest of my towel just in case there was another arachnid surprise ... and found the small eggsack that Charlotte left behind. Sometime between my shower yesterday and today, that eight-legged creature decided it was time to nest. Now, I'm beyond the point of the heebie jeebies, but I had to get ready to go to Urgent Care, so I didn't have time to think about it.

If this happened anytime else, and if I didn't have more important things to think about, I would have just kept freaking out for the rest of the day. Gross.

Oh, and the doc confirmed it was conjunctivitis in Violet's eye, so we got some drops - so far, she's fairly easygoing with taking that medication.

Doctor, doctor, Gimme the news, I've got a bad case of loving you

Today was Violet's first doctor's visit and I'm relieved it was scheduled so soon. Violet and I have been having struggles getting her breastfeeding habits down and it's been difficult. I wasn't taking too much offense to how many nurses it took us to get her to feed while we were at the hospital over the weekend or how it was proving to be largely unsuccessful when we finally got home. I know, and have been told, how there is a big learning curve on both the mother and child's part in getting into a rhythm.

I was not going to be deterred. I knew I wanted to go this route even before countless people started spouting stacks of data to support breastfeeding. But I also knew that sometimes, it just doesn't happen and it means nothing other than having to take alternative actions to nourish the baby. I was not going to let the first few detours throw me off. But, after last night's long marathon of *(editor's note) no little result, I was getting very worried that Violet wasn't getting was she needed, hence the relief to have an appointment with a medical professional.

They were nothing but nice in checking her out and even allowed me to sit with an incredibly kind and patient nurse who actually SHOWED what Scott and I could do, rather than just wake me up in a mostly sleep deprived state to shove Violet around me and leave before I could really ask a proper question once my brain finally caught up with being awake and alert.

Last night's frustrations added to many, many people repeating, 'Don't take it personally; it's perfectly natural; it has no reflection on you' and the fact that everything on my body aches, from my toes to my head, I finally had my first Mommy Freak Out.

With everyone saying, 'Don't worry', 'Don't worry', it's basically like saying to someone: DO NOT THINK OF A PINK ELEPHANT. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT THINK OF A PINK ELEPHANT. Well, guess what? I thought of the damn pink elephant. In fact, I ended up thinking about a whole herd and that herd stampeded over me with a large dose of hormonal-losing-it.

I was disappointed and a little worried before, but I was fine with the pediatrician telling me that we needed to supplement Baby Girl's breastfeeding with formula. And I already have a breast pump, so she will still get what my body produces for her and I was never under the thrall of the ideal and magical bond she and I will share with breastfeeding. I already knew if that wasn't going to happen, it's not the end all, be all in bonding. Where my 'fine' derailed is person after person telling me it's fine and don't worry and don't give up. I had no intention of doing any of those things until the chorus of those people's well intentioned encouragement did the opposite effect and completely spun me out.

It took me a little while to regroup and find my inner voice I was listening to before the freak out, but I found it, I resumed the doctor's orders and Violet and I (and Scott who had to talk me down from the ledge) continued on with our evening. We have another appointment tomorrow and we get to see the result of the first day's work.

It's just funny how I react to what people's go-to idea of what 'support' means.

One and one and one is three

Happy Valentine's Day!

My funny Valentine, Sweet comic Valentine, You make me smile with my heart

They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch,
and soon they'll grow up and resent you so much.
Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why,
and you cry and you cry and you cry. - "Friends: The One with the Birth"

 

Violet Atsuko Fourre

On February 11, 2011, Baby Girl came screaming into the world at 4:49 pm after an incredibly long and complicated day. Without going too TMI, here's the story of how she joined the world.

Since her due date was Feb 6, on our Feb 7th appointment, we made arrangements to have her induced. The date of 2/11/11 appealed to both Scott and I, for our separate reasons: his because it's a date that's easy to remember, and mine because I felt it almost poetic that it marked exactly a year since I lost my job in TN that helped kick start my time in Idaho. So, we made set up the appointment and the nurse said, 'great, it's set up. Come in 1600 on Thursday' - which confused the both of us, but we didn't feel the need for an explanation and just said 'no problem.'

Thursday rolled around, I repacked the hospital bag, double checked the checklist and Scott came home early from work. We got all of the stuff together in my car, I fired up my iPod for some tunes and we both laughed at "Like A Surgeon" by Weird Al popping on. We should have taken this to be an omen for the next day.

Apparently, the reason why we were called in on Thursday afternoon was to insert something to get my dilation to further progress. (Again, there are going to be some parts I'll vague out to help avoid TMI.) Once that was done, we were told that we could just go home and relax as much as we can till either my water breaks or my contractions get 3-5 minutes apart. So, home we went. We spent the rest of the evening watching "American President" and "Mission Impossible 3" (my choices) while I sat, paced and tried to breathe through incredible discomfort. At around 1 in the morning, I decided it was time to head in.

Right away they got me hooked up to various machines and it took three tries to get an IV in, but after several hours, I was hooked up to an epidural and feeling nothing below my naval. This was just to get a baseline of how effective that wonderful, marvelous drug would be for me and later got the pitocin and then broke my water at around 1 in the afternoon. After near three hours of active labor, baby still wasn't in any mood to join us. After a discussion about what to do next, we all agreed on a cesarean section and I was rolled into the OR.

After a little over an hour, we heard lots of baby crying, a doctor held her up to show a pair of tiny feet poking above the blue curtain that separated where my head was lying and Scott's seat to the surgery and the doctors called him over to the heat bed to tell him some of her vitals.

Violet was born at 8 pounds 5 ounces, with a full head of curly dark hair, all fingers and toes (and working joints, because, yes, I checked) and cute dimples.

We spent the weekend at the hospital and was discharged Sunday afternoon. I'm having a bit of trouble getting around, but the pain pills they gave me help tremendously. We are still amazed at what all happened and both Scott and I are delirious on happiness and intermittent sleep.

We love all of the attention we've been getting from family and friends, and we swear that once we get any sort of groove going we will be more responsive to phone calls, texts, emails and Facebook. And there will be a wealth of pictures...eventually.

It's time to play the music, It's time to light the lights, It's time to get things started...

Because the due date has come and gone, we set up the appointment to induce the labor for Friday. At my last checkup on Monday, everything looked good and the baby is healthy, so we are all set to get this party started.

At first the appointment was going to be made for next Monday, but Scott and I have been discussing how we would like Baby Girl to have a birthday separate from Valentine's Day and we like the sound of 2/11/11 as her birthday. The hospital is pretty accommodating, so we just asked for Friday and they said no problem. We are expected to check into the hospital this afternoon, which makes me think the process will start early in the morning tomorrow.

There is still a possibility that she may come today, so we'll see how the next couple of days turns out.

I will ask for any messages to be sent to either here or our Facebook accounts. I'll be busy doing some last minute things around the house and hopefully catching a nap before going in and cell phones are allowed in the hospital, but not really encouraged to be used. Thank you to all of our supporters!

Here we go...

Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying...

I am officially due tomorrow. We were sure the Little One was going to make her debut earlier than this, given what the doctor told us at our last visit this past Monday, but so far, no go. I don't want to rush her, but we are eagerly anticipating the baby to make three.

Instead of just sitting around making ourselves crazy waiting and fighting off the 'is she here yet', 'is she here yet' chants from all over, we unboxed the diaper pail, laundered the last bit of bedding, burp rags and bibs and put the finishing touches of decorations up in her room. We still have other photographs we'd like to develop and frame, but it's a good beginning.

This is what is hanging above her door

A watercolor painting my sister made

Calendar my Mom gave me

A watercolor my friend painted (resting on the dresser) and a watercolor from an artist we met at a Art in the Park in Boise (hanging).

All your life, You were only waiting for this moment to arise

My bag is packed. The car seat is strapped in and waiting. The room is set. Pretty much everything is good to go for Baby Girl's arrival. Now it's just a waiting game.

I've been forcing myself to keep calm, cool and collected, which I honestly thought would be a whole lot harder at this stage of the game. Scott's been really fantastic about not allowing me to overexert myself and takes care of stuff around the house. I spent a large part of the weekend sitting down a lot to stay off my feet to keep them from swelling into Hobbit-feet. And as I sit, Baby Girl would shift, shudder and occasionally hiccup while giving me small glimpses of what contractions feel like. I'm still in 'early labor' which basically means that I just have to be aware but not alarmed.

One of the ways I've been trying to lessen any possible stressers is avoiding my phone. So far, it's been working wonderfully. I already have a multi-tiered 'plan' of how I'll let people know when the action starts happening, and I figure if I can be patient, so can everyone else.

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch, Who watches over you

In the last week, Baby Girl's room has really started to take shape. We've received all of the major furniture pieces from Babies 'R Us and Scott has put everything together. We're feeling pretty good with how the room looks. This is what we started with:

And now, after lots of work from Scott with putting the furniture pieces together, this is what we've got ready:

Two weekends ago, I was treated to a very sweet surprise. Since Scott had a three day weekend to recover from his head cold, we both decided that we would take it easy, rest up and clean the house for the house guest we were expecting. Our Saturday started in a very lazy manner, slowly getting out of bed, hanging out and catching up on some of the programming off our DVR. It was early afternoon when Scott decided he was going to finish replacing the O2 sensor on his car, but he needed to borrow a a tool from a buddy, so he took off. I took this opportunity to play some Animal Crossing. I played long past the time he came back and from the computer, Scott nonchalantly suggested I go and take a bath to relax. This made me think that I was unknowingly acting all tense and crazy, and I took the suggestion as something helpful, but declined because I needed to clean the tub first. I got up and took a shower instead, and when I came back out to the living room, I was greeted with:

I found out that my in-laws had been sending boxes over to a friend's address so that Scott could set up a mini-surprise baby shower. He picked up the cake, as well as the presents (and that tool he needed for the car) and was insisting on the bath because he figured that would give him more time to set up. We sat down, unwrapped the presents and had the football playoffs on in the background. We both had a great time.

Since then, we've been receiving a steady stream of boxes from all of our friends and family. I've been keeping all of the packing slips in a shoe box and taking pictures of all of the great stuff people have been so kind in giving us. This is mostly so that I can successfully write up the thank-you cards since my short-term memory seems to be on the fritz. We have appreciated everything we've unwrapped on behalf of Baby Girl, but to be absolutely honest, this present from my sister's husband made me laugh out loud the most:

I'm 33 for a moment, Still the (woman), but you see I'm a they, A kid on the way, A family on my mind

Things that have happened since my last birthday:

• (Re) Started my life with Scott
• Went to Vegas to celebrate turning 32
• Lost a job in Tennessee
• Had a last minute surprise for Valentines weekend
• Went to my 10th home opener for the Mets
• Moved to Idaho
• Found out I am pregnant
• Got married in Colorado in front of close family and some friends (and 'celebrated' by going to a Barenaked Ladies concert at the Red Rocks)
• Moved into a very nice house
• Found out we're expecting a girl
• Attended 3 out of the 6 weddings of friends
• Found out 4 other people I know are expecting, one of whom already delivered a healthy baby boy
• Had my first Christmas with my new husband and a 'real' home

 All in all, it's been a blissfully eventful year.