For those who are new here, I keep most of my blog titles as song lyrics, or at the very least a close rendition of song lyrics. And I guess this is the reason for me being silent on this blog site, though, that is not that whole truth. The entire truth is, I really haven't had much time to write on the things I reflect upon. Mostly because the time I reflect on anything is when I'm in the shower or when I'm driving and in both of those situations, bloggin is frowned on. Nevertheless, there has been stuff to take up my time. Like, thinking I was going to have to prepare for a 6month deployment that was called off with only a few weeks left before he left. And then with only a year passing, preparing for a year long deployment which actually did take place. So far (and this is with knocking on SERIOUS wooden surfaces), this year-remote is going a little bit better than the last one just because I haven't received a call saying that the husband was being shipped back to the States because of a broken bone. As it stands now, I get to take the trip up to Greenland that never happened the first go around and this time I even have the option of taking our daughter. But, again, these are not the things that have been keeping me from sleeping or from being completely OK. These are just the things.
This time around, I'm in a place that I know and the car travel that I do does not involve mountain passes or cliffs or an infant who hated car rides and would just cry. This time around, I have places that I can go and things I can busy myself with doing while the child is at school and learning under someone else's supervision. This time around, I have built a support system on my terms and with people who have already been familiar to me, rather than trying to build new relationships with a baby who was yearning to toddle and make things even more exhausting. This time around, I had the benefit of the experience from the last remote AND the experience of what it means to be part of the military as a dependant.
But still, with everything that was handled came the things that were new and hard. Like having to deal with not just a crying baby, but a little kid with feelings she could express and trying to make sure not to make any lasting damage to her emotion growth. Like having to navigate the slight-to-major case of deja-vu because the last remote made such a lasting impression. Like having friends you want to hang with, but very little physical or emotional oomph to actually make it happen. Or, and this is a biggie, not having the network of reliable babysitting because the people who offer to care for your child who you trust are the very same people with whom you want to go out and have a good time.
This is not a cry for help or a pity party. This is just the mumbled frustrations of a gal who is only 4 months away from getting back a partner who actually actively shares the load. Not just the breadwinner. The partner who helps with the 4am wake ups from the kid with her masked whispers of "i....can't....sleeeeeeep" or the one who takes charge of dinner when my brain is too busy calling for a surrender.
I know I have the support system who would take some of my burden but it's not just about that. It's about being my constant companion. I wish I could say that I am replenished of all of my energy from a fun night out or an afternoon off. Unfortunately, I'm the sad sack who gets zapped of any found energy the moment "Mommy mode" kicks in. I love time to cut loose and have fun, but I know I have to be bigger and stronger than that because I have another human depending on me to be better.
I have let too many things take precedence over finding a mental health care professional to talk out all that buzzes in my head. I've had about two decades worth of stuff I should have unpacked, but over the last year when I've finally decided to deal with it, all I've been able to do is get some medication to help with the anxiety and depression. Which, quite honestly, may be the biggest superhero during this remote, not just the familiarity or any other factor. But I've left the work unfinished. I need to find the right person with a medical background to spill all of my pent up thoughts. I'm too tired, too sad, too angry, too invested in people I care about (including me, I guess) to not do the thing I urge others to do.
I need to breathe deep and easy, something I've only been able to do for a little at a time. I swear I have a much better version of me somewhere around here.
