The clock struck 3am just a little while ago, and I am still wide awake.
I am laying here awake and desperate for sleep- not just because of the racing mind that won't stop worrying or planning or trying to scheme ways out of issues for myself and others whom I love; not just because my back is emitting a dull ache that has prevented me from finding a comfortable position; not just because I am tremendously anxious about how I am going to transition to my next phase. No, it's not any one or any combination of all of the above. It's the ever-frustrating unknown - the "Nothing" that ripped through the movie "Neverending Story", though in that case it was a lack of imagination that was the culprit when in my case it's the never-ending imagination of the terrible what-if's.
In my upbringing through the church and my short stint of being a Sunday School teacher myself, I know Philippians 4:4-7. "Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, with thanksgiving, bring your requests to God..." (ignore any accidental punctuation errors or paraphrasing- I'm not attempting to revise the Bible, I just don't feel up to looking it up and writing down the exact verses.)
So, here's where things go sideways. In one answer to prayer, my time here in TN was cut short and I have a clearer idea of my departure time. But it was at the cost of job. For those who want to kindly tell me that it's a blessing in disguise or anything about God shutting doors and opening windows, please put a sock in it. It's boring and impersonal. You might as well have Bobby tell me to "don't worry be happy." Sorry for the rudeness there.
In another answer to prayer, my father was finally given a "yes" to a job application and it looks like the opportunity will be not only good for the short term, but may turn into a wonderful long term deal. Great! However, just days after he got a job, my brother lost his. This may end up helping him as it did me, but there is still the painful 'nothing' that ebbs away at confidence, finances and worst of all, faith.
I thought that for a while I could just try to figure out my path without having to widen my scope. There are some that say that this is still my right to just put on blinders and forge ahead without taking on these other issues, but that's simply not an option. For those who know me, they accept this; for those who don't, they try to indicate me that my efforts are wasted if I'm not just concentrating on my own life.
One day soon I will be able to whittle things down so that I can take the time to marvel at my own story unfolding. I don't have all my faith or confidence depleted, but it is getting a bit harder to find places to put one foot in front of the other.
