Just to rant to get this out of my system

I hate my body.

Not in the way where I think I'm too short or fat or unattractive. In the way where I am angry I can't walk normally. My joints in my legs, back, neck, feet won't work properly. At 16, I first experienced the mind blowing pain of not being able to roll out of bed. I would have to grip the edge of something so that I could heave myself out of bed. Then my right hip wouldn't allow me to walk without a limp. Over the last 20 years, the pain would ebb and flow and move. There were a good many years where I wasn't afflicted with anything severe. Luckily, I wasn't completely debilitated during pregnancy. But now, I can't get up out of my chair at will without having to steel my brain for the forthcoming pain that is standing up. Or moving. Or even having a sudden, violent sneeze.

For a year, Scott was gone, so the understanding was to use that year as a nice buffer between children. When he got back to me, we'd start trying for number 2. We always wanted more than one child and Violet is enamored of other people's little children. Yes, I know it's different, but we wanted it. But I just can't seem to have it happen. I know it's not my timing, and there is a strong possibility that having our own again will happen. I'm considering adoption, but that's not the step yet. I just can't let the sadness of not being pregnant go yet. I've always had a 'deadline' of sorts because I know how faulty my body is. There is no way we can keep up with an infant/toddler/young child past a certain age, and sadly, my body had decided to act like an 80 year old with severe osteoporosis.

Soon, I will completely have to reconcile this possible loss. I'm on my last little bit of hope of becoming pregnant, but optimism is fading fast. So, I spend a little bit of my day to day spontaneously crying for my stupid body and how much I hate things being beyond my control.