Sees babies everywhere she goes, And she wants (another) one of her own

When I was little, the only thing I knew for certain about my future was that I wanted to be a Mom. I didn't wonder what kind of husband I thought I would have or how my wedding would look or even where I would be living or what I would be doing for a living. Just that I was going to be a Mom to a small clan of offspring.

Well, 3 years ago, that wish came true with the birth of my daughter. I was everything normal for a first time mother. Nervous, scared, relieved, thankful, scared (because that feeling is worth mentioning twice), and truly blessed. Then, news came that Scott would have to spend a year away from us in Greenland and I decided that timing would work out fantastically so that we can have a little bit of time between Violet and the next baby. But, in all pure honesty, I was afraid of being pregnant with him away.

During my pregnancy, Scott was so unbelievably incredible that I was frightened at the thought of carrying our next child without him. So, I reasonably lobbied to wait and we’d start trying after he got back and in our first year of being in Japan. I thought that once my body bounced back from halting the birth control, we’d be pregnant in a few months. Tops.

Now it’s been over a year. Yes, most people have been optimistic and confident and encouraging, saying a year is not that long and we should keep trying. But sometimes people are too quick to encourage and not quick enough to listen. I say that I am 36 and they say, ‘oh, that’s not that old, you still have time!’ without really letting me say, no, my body does not feel 36. It feels 86. Joints, muscle, skeletal issues for me and a very present ankle problem for Scott. We have trouble literally chasing after Violet.

For a year, every time I find myself having a period, every time I see someone else’s news of a pregnancy, every time I am invited to a baby shower, I have the pang in my heart.  Most of the time I can get over it with a renewed sense of hope. But it's been harder and harder to get to that hopeful place with every passing month.

I count myself lucky with Violet and I do feel selfish complaining about my lack of a second child while I know ladies who have had miscarriages and still have no child. But my guilt over my selfish complaining usually is drowned out by pain.

I know we have other avenues, of course, and I’ve met one mother who went to an infertility doctor while here in Japan and another mother who has adopted both of her children, so I know I have at least two resources I can talk to in person. I’m not sure if we’re going to look into adoption (which would be more likely of a choice for me) or if we’ll decide to not pursue having a second child. I don’t know. I have doctor appointments lined up and I’m forcing myself to just wait. Pray and wait.